Participant notes
Creating the conditions for real moments
This workshop introduced a facilitation lens developed through a long exploration of authentic self-expression—shaped by a gender journey, by creating spaces where different ways of living could become possible, and by years of research, writing, and facilitation.
We opened and closed with brief shared regulation and movement practices: invitations to arrive in the body, notice capacity, and participate at one’s own pace.
What I teach: creating real moments
I teach authentic self-expression: how to have more choice and agency in how we live, relate, and participate. At its centre is the practice of creating real moments—moments in which outer expression is aligned with inner experience.
This can be as small as changing position when uncomfortable, asking a clarifying question when confused, or leaving when that is what is needed. It is not a call for unfiltered self-expression. Discernment matters: choosing not to express something now, or choosing to address it elsewhere or later, can also be a way of honouring what is present.
The Pyramid of Permission names three skills that support real moments:
- Notice what is happening in the inner world—thoughts, feelings, desires, impulses, and bodily signals.
- Welcome what is there, rather than immediately judging, denying, or pushing it away.
- Honour it: decide whether, how, and when to give it expression.
The conditions: safety and permission
These skills do not become equally available in every setting. Two conditions shape what is possible: safety—whether physical and emotional wellbeing are supported—and permission—what kinds of expression there is room for in a given setting.
Both have outer and inner dimensions. We explored outer safety and inner safety in this workshop. We did not yet substantially explore outer permission or inner permission; these remain important parts of the model for a future session.
Workshop block: outer safety
Outer safety concerns whether the environment and group support people’s wellbeing. It is not identical for everyone: identity, history, access needs, familiarity, and the wider social context all affect how safe a space feels.
For facilitators, outer safety means designing a container with care: creating predictability, clarifying expectations and boundaries, practising consent, offering warmth and kindness, and anticipating what it is like to arrive as a new person in the space. Small, discreet acts of thoughtfulness can make a significant difference.
Reflection prompts
- If you create or hold space for others, what do you do that helps people feel safer?
- What aspects of the physical room, arrival, agreements, or communication affect this?
- How might the space feel different for someone with a different identity, history, or access need from your own?
- What small act of anticipation or care could make arrival and participation easier?
Workshop block: inner safety
Inner safety is the felt sense of being supported within oneself. It is closely connected to the nervous system, which continually scans for safety in the environment, in relationships, and in the body. Hunger, pain, temperature, unfamiliarity, social cues, or perceived judgement can all influence this.
When the mind-body concludes that there is unsafety, it may activate a stress response. These are intelligent protective responses, not failures. The question is whether a response is useful in the present moment, and whether we retain enough agency to use its energy wisely.
- Fight
- Moving toward a threat; it can show up as reactivity, fixation, or cold judgement.
- Flight
- Moving away—physically, through distraction, or through deflection.
- Fawn
- Trying to restore safety by making others feel okay, often through fixing or over-accommodation.
- Collapse
- Numbing, zoning out, tiredness, or disconnection when overwhelm feels likely.
- Freeze
- An activated wish to move or act combined with being unable to do so.
Regulation is not the same as calmness: an activated state can still be regulated, connected, and choiceful. For facilitators, this includes regulating before a session, not overfilling the design, tracking one’s state during the session, and using pauses, movement, breath, a moment outside, or co-regulation when needed. When possible, do not host alone.
Reflection prompts
- Which stress response do you recognise in yourself when facilitating, participating, or working with others?
- How does it change your behaviour, inner experience, thoughts, or impulses?
- What becomes less available to you when you are in that response? What may become useful or protective?
- What helps you return to enough regulation to make a wise next choice?
Be the embodied invitation
Facilitation begins with how we are, not only what we say. To be the embodied invitation means practising the qualities we hope to make possible in the group. When we look after our own nervous systems, make small adjustments, name what we are doing, and allow others to contribute their wisdom, we model a more spacious and less hierarchical way of being together.